today has been very hard. it is so difficult to spend a perfect weekend with my family after weeks of being apart; to wake up on monday with the real understanding that we will be apart for yet another two or more months. Washington is so real now, bringing me to face the fact that we will soon be many, many miles apart. I read a book last week-- the three main characters dealt with the loss of a husband, lover, and acquaintance. The emotions and reality of the death as well as the process of moving on, alone and full of life, pulled from within me every sadness I have supressed over the past year. It also reminded me of the things I feel right now, and will feel in the future. But he is not gone for real. This is not death that I have experienced, though it feels like a slow death of something inside.
It is amazing how the human soul can be trampled and brought back up, repaired. i am constantly asking myself what God is preparing me for. I believe in my heart that every day I am faced with making decisions. Each morning I wake up and decide whether I will walk away with a new tool, a better character, a stronger relationship with my God. Am I allowing myself to be shaped into the woman that He has set for me to be? I know that I should be. I also feel a constant sense of failure- that each day I make decisions that reflect that I am not yet that woman.
The classic 'why me'. Each man has his own 'why me' situation constantly facing him. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband, beautiful child, comfortable lifestyle, good education, great family. These things are not my 'why me'. No, I have been handed a special one-- one only individuals in this industry face. I am not alone, but we are not the norm. And each one of us makes that daily decision-- to take what we have and use it to strengthen and create wonderful character or to let it destroy, spreading like a virus to everything around.
In my mind I choose the first, but my daily actions and decisions do not always support this decision. this time, my heart says differently. I used to think that if i held out-- if i pretended that this was not true-- at some point soon i could be saved. How ignorant that is. I step back and look and realize that this is all good. When I look each morning, though, it is not all good. I just want my husband back. The one who has given everything to me. That breaks my heart.
I still question why our perfection has to be belmished with this separation. Our perfect relationship-- the kisses and complete openness and love that exists in this household. With him gone it becomes hard to see. I feel it but cannot express it.
There is nothing that I can do except make every decision to become that woman. Sometimes I wonder if I get 'there' quickly, will this 'formation' period end quickly? No, we have dates. Gone through October, again around Christmas. I know this is all part of the plan but I have a hard time sitting and just waiting it through. I can't complain to the other wives-- they've been through this just the same, and even many more times. My heart breaks for them too.
Sorry blogspot-- I am transferring my thought processing entries here. Xanga is filled with emo and annorexic kids. It also makes me think too much about our beautiful beginnings.
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